


because i love you

by duskballum



Category: EastEnders (TV), EastEnders (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love, M/M, Truth, angst with happy ending, ballum - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27007342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duskballum/pseuds/duskballum
Summary: Callum had been sneaking around for weeks, blackmailed by his boss into spying on his family. It was only a matter of time before Ben would notice his tense behaviour and question it. But when Callum confesses the truth how will Ben react?(this is essentially an inevitable situation in the upcoming weeks & this is just my take on what i predict / want to happen ;))
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 3
Kudos: 53





	because i love you

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic on this account, i lost my password for my old one. I haven’t written much before but am studying english at uni so bare with me i’m still rusty! 
> 
> as i said in the description, this is what i want to happen and predict will happen in upcoming weeks. 
> 
> ALSO !! this works with social distancing !! i’m sure they could find their way around the last bit ...  
> 
> 
> “And i’d rather you be safe and hate me than be in prison or in danger and love me”. That was the ultimate sacrifice, accepting that the loss would be worth the gain even if it meant a life of loneliness and heartache for himself.

Because I love you 

Silence lingered over the Mitchell’s kitchen as Ben stood leaning against the sink and as Callum stood awkwardly opposite him on the other side of the room with just a table in between them. They were stood in places that not long ago the other had been stood in, except now they were both physically and emotionally reversed. 

Callum was stood dead still and his mind was racing. He could tell - just by an inclining that Ben knew something about what he had done and that terrified him beyond belief. What also terrified him was himself, what he had been doing and how though unwillingly - he’d still betrayed Ben, even if it was in order of saving him. That was all that mattered to Callum, and If saving Ben meant losing himself then it was not even a choice he had to make – his heart subconsciously made it for him. He was thinking of all the possible outcomes; all the possible things Ben could say or do - and none were positive. In that moment he’d practically decided that this was it, the love that he’d built was about to be shattered and his new home would no longer have a welcome mat down for him. The silence, if anything, was killing him. He just longed for Ben to speak, or to question him so he didn’t have to prolong the inevitable any longer. 

Ben on the other hand was preparing what he was going to say. He couldn’t have been anymore in the dark if he tried, and even in this moment he didn’t understand the full magnitude of what was truly going on - but he knew he wanted answers to explain his partners strange behaviour. During lockdown he’d worked on himself, who he was and who he wanted to be and he’d decided that the answer - _was Callum & who he was with Callum_. As far as he was concerned everything was perfect - they exchanged i love you’s on the daily, they were living together and Ben was finally realising that he should begin to leave crime in the past and be honest, which he always had been since Callum had asked him to be, confiding in him regularly about things he would’ve once brushed off as ‘Mitchell business’. So, he was confused, confused as to why at a time they should feel closer to each other than ever - he felt so distant, so shut out from his soulmate’s mind…

Ben placed his hands on the counter either side of him delicately and gazed up at Callum inquisitively, yet soft faced - wanting him to feel comfortable to be honest. 

“I’m not a complete idiot you know, Cal.” he whispered with a gulp and a momentary glance to the floor.

“I know there’s something you’re not telling me and i” he paused, locked eyes with him and continued softly, “i just want you to know that whatever it is, you can tell me” he lifted the pitch of his voice as he applied emphasis to ‘you can tell me’.

Callum looked back at him, his eyes instantly began to fill with salty, crisp tears and the lump in his throat became larger making it harder and harder to swallow. He debated what to say, but then realised it doesn’t matter what he said - it wouldn’t make a difference. 

He took a short breath and then admitted, “my boss, Thompson. he ... he made me an offer so that you would be released and wouldn’t go to prison” he looked across at Ben, guilty and disappointed towards himself. Like his own words and own admission of who he was cut him deeper than they did Ben, who’s eyes widened and face curled with confusion. 

“An offer? what offer?” he asked, his voice raised only the tiniest amount as his voice shook out of fear of the response he would get - but still raised enough for Callum to notice. 

Callum licked and bit his lip, moving his eyes off of Ben and to the side of him so that he could confess the next bit - the hard bit. 

“He’d let you go free of charge, make the cctv footage disappear ... if i helped him get evidence against Phil.” the words stumbled out of his mouth almost carelessly, he’d accepted defeat and saw no point in trying to justify spying on his father. In fact, in Callum’s mind this was already over.

Ben froze with his mouth held open, he blinked to the side rapidly and placed his hand on the side of his head in dismay.

“You... you agreed to spy on my dad so that he’d go to prison?” he asked in a way that was desperately searching for the answer he knew wasn’t coming.

Callum let out a scoff and sighed deeply, his heartbeat rapidly increased and his body temperature rose. “I couldn’t let you go back to prison Ben” his monotone tone started to turn more panicked, “I - I just couldn’t, especially when I had Lexi asking me when her dad would be back!” with every word his eyes filled up more and more and his voice began to raise out of desperation. 

Ben laughed sarcastically, “What so all this ‘i don’t need protecting i need the truth’ only applies when i’m the one lying does it?!” he spat, smacking his hands down on the table in front of him and leaning slightly. 

Callum knew he was right. He’d been a hypocrite. But his attitude of accepting he was wrong and that this was the end turned into fight, a fight to make Ben understand that this wasn’t done out of malice. He moved closer towards the table too, gently placing his hands on the back of the chair in front of him. “I know. I know Ben. i- went against my own words and i” he was cut off, “All this time I’ve been deliberately honest with you, consciously making an effort to fill you in about everything so that you’d trust me more and all along it was me who shouldn’t be trusting you!” Ben bellowed as he waved his hand out at Callum opposite him, basically suffocating on his own anger. 

“I know Ben! and I appreciate your honesty I really do! it means a lot and i do trust you _but you … you can trust me!_ We can trust each other!” Callum wailed - his beautiful blue eyes glistened under the harsh light of the night.

“How can I?! when you’re plotting to send my dad down!” he laughed hysterically, placed his hands on the back of his head and threw his head back trying to search for words.

Callum shifted himself around the table and stood only a few feet away from Ben. He waved his arms around frantically almost to grasp Ben without actually properly attempting to do so or making any contact at all.

“BECAUSE I DID IT FOR YOU! BECAUSE I DON’T WANT YOU TO GO BACK TO PRISON OR FOR LEXI TO LOSE HER DAD!” he protested adamantly, raising his voice to its highest magnitude.

“and because ...” he instantly switched from uproar to whispers, “because I don’t want to lose you” a tear escaped his right eye and danced down his cheek leaving a glistening trail. 

Ben watched him, and when he saw the tear he instantly felt sympathetic. He hated seeing Callum in pain, he didn’t want him in pain _ever_ – even if he was angry at him. He ran his hands through his own hair and across his own face pulling at his skin gently in agony, before placing his arms back down by his sides. “How is sending my dad down _for me_?” he stressed, “you know i can’t let him go to jail right?” his expression was one of confusion more than anything, confused about why on earth he’d think that he would just stand by as his father was dragged away to the slammer. Callum was both relieved and shocked that he’d stopped shouting - or looking at him in such a disgusted manor, and was now speaking softly and with an overwhelming sense of sadness and perplexity in his expression. 

Still stood relatively near, Callum slammed his eyes shut, allowing a few more tears to spill down his cheeks like water from a dam, whilst he took a big breath. “i was buying you time by agreeing ... and then when i tried to refuse and back down he blackmailed me” Callum’s desperation and panic leaked through him now, and Ben could see what this was doing to him, how much pressure and stress he’d been under and how manipulated he’d been in his new career that he was meant to love, and that made him even more distressed. 

“blackmailed you? with what?” he asked quite protectively - because the thought of anyone blackmailing Callum notwithstanding all his anger was unbearable. 

“with everything. with my job, you going to prison ... with ...” he paused realising there was another big detail he had to mention. “with a recording of me beating up Danny Hardcastle” he confessed abruptly, gagging to get the sentence out of the way. 

Bens enraged expression was back as he responded “Danny Hardcastle? the blood on your shirt ....” there was a moment of realisation, things started to fall into place. “Why-why did you beat up Danny Hardcastle?” he demanded, his sympathy being overridden with annoyance. 

Callum let out a sigh and tilted his head to the side shyly, inviting ben to sympathise with him. “Because he threatened to hurt you, Ben” Callum began pleading for him to believe him, for him to see that everything he’d done, every move he’d made was for him, so that he could be safe. “I just got so angry at the thought of him hurting you that i snapped - i knocked him down and i just kept hitting him” he was choking on his tears, visibly scared of the person he was describing - _himself._

Instead of remaining angry, Ben instantaneously felt pitiful. He looked up at the ceiling trying to fight back his tears, his eyelids acting as a defensive shield, “this is what I meant when i said i didn’t want to ruin you” he pursed his lips together and ensured eye contact, “and now I have” the pearl-shaped tears rolled down his cheeks from his wide luminous azure eyes and trailed all the way down his neck. “My actions turned you into a person you can’t even bring yourself to tell me about” he shook his head in shame - similarly to how he did that day just under a year ago, a day Callum remembers all too well. 

“Ben stop” Callum emotionally stuck his foot down, his fight mode activated not letting them fall into the same place they did that day, or rather not letting Ben blame himself and push him away again. “it was my choice, not yours - not Phil’s, it was mine” his statement caused ben to peer up at him still unconvinced, “and i’d do it again, to _anyone_ who threatens you. Because all i want is you safe” he paused to steady his voice to be more convincing, “you haven’t ruined me Ben, no one has because i’m not ruined i’m just - I’m just _finally_ in a place where i have something worth defending” he widened his eyes at the last sentence, absorbing every detail and inch of Ben’s face as he stood before him – looking at the very thing that was worth defending. Ben was noticeably touched, his sobs were muffled at first as he attempted to hide his anguish, but then he became overcome by the upsurge of his emotions and, all his defences washed away by the sudden release of his tears.

They looked at each other longingly for a moment, even despite all the emotions running around and despite how familiar they’d gotten with the other, they still got an overwhelmingly crushing sensation of butterflies in their stomach when they looked at each other just like It was the first time.

“I just” Ben broke the silence, “I just don’t understand why you’d go through all this for this long ... for me” Ben still didn’t get it. He didn’t get how deserving and worthy of love he truly was and he could never fully grasp just how much Callum loved him. Partly because Callum’s love for ben was impossible to grasp, no scales in the world could measure it – _it was unconditional_. Callum shook his head with an exasperated sigh, “because i love you” he said both softly yet strongly as though he’d never been more certain of anything before in his whole life. He’d said It stronger than he ever had before and he meant every word, his eyes were glossy and a small smile began form as he watched Ben’s chin tremble, just like it had the night Ben had first said ‘I love you’.

“And i’d rather you be safe and hate me than be in prison or in danger and love me”. That was the ultimate sacrifice, accepting that the loss would be worth the gain even if it meant a life of loneliness and heartache for himself.

A smile began to force its way across bens face too. Just a small one, but still a powerfully overwhelming one that said visually if not verbally – _I could never hate you_. He had those words on the tip of his tongue but before he could get them out Callum continued,

“I’m so sorry about Phil. There have been moments where i really considered just sending him down, because I thought it’d be one less problem but, I like Phil a lot” he ensured, meaning Ben looked up with tiniest glimmer of surprise, “me and him we’re good, i really appreciate him letting me live in his house and be a part of his family and i ... i know i’ve ruined that, i don’t expect you or him to forgive me but i just wanted you to know that despite all this i’ve never felt so at home” the amount of tears that had climbed their way out of his eyes were by this stage impossible to count as he stood wet cheeked and puffy eyed fully expecting Ben to say he couldn’t be forgiven.

The suspense bore too much as he waited to hear the words he’d been dreading to hear and so he tried to avoid or delay the pain by turning around, walking back over to the other side to face the counter, his back to Ben. 

After a moment of thought and a deep breath Ben’s eyes followed Callum as he turned away from him and then he inched slightly and slowly over to him and whispered, “Cal” to get him to turn around and face him, _which he did._

They looked deep into each other’s eyes, diving in the depths - both full to the brim with tears and raw with tear stained cheeks. “it’s okay, we’ll figure something out” Ben gulped, smiling hugely though his mouth was still shut and lips still curled, to reassure him that they were genuinely okay - _more than okay._

Callum couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he was overcome with emotion as Ben both consoled and forgave him despite his lies and his hypocrisy … despite his _betrayal._

“How can you forgive me? how can you say that we’ll figure something out? After everything…” he inquired, his voice a low and soft whisper.

“because i love you” Ben mumbled, mirroring what Callum had said to him earlier for justification, with a precious little smile that Callum reciprocated, once again using that moment to just gaze into the others eyes. They were both in pain, of some sort and for different reasons. Both feeling guilty, both feeling overcome – but it was a good pain, a beautiful pain … _a pain only felt when truly in love_. “We **will** figure this out, Cal” he assured adamantly, which made Callum feel immediately certain, instantly relaxed and suddenly safe.

“i love you so much” Callum exclaimed in the weakest tone imaginable, his energy gone and the stress from the past few weeks released with the truth, leaving him bare and vulnerable.

Ben knew this, he could see it. He knew there was a lot left to do to fix this mess, and despite his reassurance to his boyfriend he truly had no idea how they would get out of this. But in that moment – he didn’t care. All he could fixate on was Callum and making him feel better.

He smiled a forgiving smile and nodded his head ever so lightly and lifted his arms up to motion for an embrace.

Callum wrapped an arm around Ben’s shoulders and felt Ben pull him in close, gently rubbing his arm. Though there was heaviness in their stomachs, they still fluttered. They took a long moment, just sobbing into each other’s shoulders, Bens hands clutching at Callum’s jacket as they always do. They held each other in silence, rocking slowly as tears of both sorrow and joy soaked their necks.

They knew in that moment in time that it didn’t matter what came next or what they would have to do, they would face it and they would conquer it _together_ …

Because they love each other.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed it ! if anyone has other fic ideas or takes on what will happen in this future scene let me know in the comments :)


End file.
